Accutane Journals: Michael's Accutane Journal

My Story...

I should begin by saying that I am almost 27 years old. I have had various problems with acne at one point or another in my life, although nothing terrifically substantial. Upon escaping adolescence the acne seemed to disappear. I always recall that being one of the pure joys of officially entering adulthood - no more acne. And while I've had the occasional zit pop up here and there, nothing could have prepared me for what happened (and continued to happen) recently. While that may sound melodramatic
(admittedly, it is), it's something that was and has been very unsettling.

Three months ago I suffered a development of clogged pores in my cheeks and some massive cysts around my jawline. I don't know the cause of it - I just know the increased insecurity I felt as a result of it. It got to the point where one of my friends mentioned my little "problem." It was then that I realized just how bad a situation this really was. My friend suggested I use some "miracle cure" which consisted of Sea Breeze astringent and some cotton balls. Needless to say, it was not the answer I was looking for. With as much resolve as I could muster, I took my "problem" and I to a dermatologist for a more professional recommendation. What he told me was that my situation could be resolved...if I went on some medication known as Accutane. I didn't know what the heck Accutane was - I had never heard of the stuff. What I did know is that I needed to eradicate my acne - and I didn't care by what means or how much it cost. If Accutane was the answer, so be it...just as long as it worked.

Weeks 1-5: It's been quite some time since I've been in high school having graduated in
1992. It's been difficult to have the constant feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem; a feeling not experienced SINCE high school. I found myself almost unwilling to leave my apartment - except when work necessitated it. I would go to work, lock myself in my cubicle and go straight home. I found myself engaging in as little conversation as possible - primarily because I hated the thought of people looking at me. I would consider myself a reasonably confident person on a general level - but far short of arrogant. Because of my "condition" I ventured into an entirely new area of low self-esteem. Two weeks ago I went home to Kansas City (I currently live in LA where image is much more important than it should be) for my cousin's wedding. Unfortunately, I was so consumed by my self-image that I couldn't fully enjoy the sight of my two-year-old niece who I haven't seen in over eight months. Or just being surrounded by my family and friends. All because of a stupid facial condition initially heightened by my newfound savior...Accutane. I know that sounds ungrateful. The bottom line is that this stuff -- despite all of the wonderful side effects including dryness, headaches, body aches -- will ultimately work. It's the interim period that has been such a difficult cross to bear.

Week 6: At the moment I am two days into week 6. My mental approach is considerably better than it was two weeks ago. I think I finally got to a point where I was really sick of feeling so awful. It's bad enough that I have to look the way I do. There's no point in embodying the way I look. It certainly doesn't make me a very fun person to be around. So...while I can't say I've obliterated all sense of insecurities, I'm feeling much better about myself. Still, I definitely find myself counting the days - more so, counting the weeks. I saw my dermatologist ten days ago. After pumping my cysts full of cortisone (always a pleasurable experience) and having a nurse provide me with "extraction" (one of the more grueling experiences I have gone through in recent memory) he decided to up my dosage to 60 mg/day. Now, I alternate pills on a daily basis. One day I take one pill, the next I take two pills and so forth. Only 100+ pills to go...Incidentally, the side effects have been reasonably minimal. The dryness on my lips will probably continue until I'm off the stuff (I make it sound like heroine!). The body aches and headaches have been sporadic - nothing I can't handle. As for dryness on my
face, the only time I've really experienced it is when using a topical benzoyl peroxide (7%). My face dries up as if I've been in a heat lamp for three years. Other than that the only main side effect is the self-image factor. With time and healing I will definitely overcome that. So, too, will all of you...

You can email Michael at mrmsmall@mediaone.net.